Mother Saying Dont You Ever Do That to Me Again

Love songs are where nosotros go our passion, our soul — and almost of our worst ideas.

Nil good can come of this. Photograph past Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains take been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all considering of a few simple chords and a tune that inflamed a middle and propelled information technology on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other mitt, that fourth dimension yous told that girl yous only started seeing that you would "take hold of a grenade" for her? You lot did that because of a honey song. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move back to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"Information technology's just, my mom. Yous know? And 50.A. is and then hot in the summer. And yep, my mom." Photograph via iStock.

That time you held that nail box over your head outside your ex's house? You did that considering of a love song. And 50 hours of community service afterward, you're even so not back together.

Love songs are great. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to have risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give the states terrible, terrible ideas about how bodily, real-life human relationships should work.

They're astonishing. So amazing. And also terrible.

Here are six love songs that audio romantic merely aren't, and i song that doesn't audio romantic simply totally is:

1. "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys

Yous can proceed your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Become Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."

When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Merely Knows" is where it's at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A mural of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo past Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here'southward why it sounds romantic:

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars above you

You never need to dubiousness it

I'll brand you and so sure about information technology

God just knows what I'd be without y'all

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and non playing "God Merely Knows" on your iPod, you should really stop and showtime over.

If you're lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball net and "God But Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your mind, you need to rethink the choices that got yous to this signal.

If yous're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're non underscoring information technology with the opening chords of "God Just Knows," you are doing it incorrect.

Hippies, probable on their way to a mud frolic. Photo by Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It'south a vocal that merely feels similar honey. Pure love. Young love. Dear with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be wrong with that?

Here's why information technology's actually actually, really unromantic:

At that place'due south nothing incorrect with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-height notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their pilus as they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But in that location is such a affair as loving someone a skosh too much.

If you should ever get out me

Though life would yet proceed believe me

The globe could prove aught to me

So what expert would living do me?

Await, I get it. Breakups suck. There's no getting around that. But proficient God.

There's a huge departure between saying: "Hey babe, you are my first and foremost everything and I'll exist bummed if yous become." And saying: "Welp, y'all accepted that job in Seattle, so I'm just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call it a life."

But that's pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...

God simply knows what I'd be without you

...horror-picture show creepy. Because the answer, apparently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a skilful run. Photo via iStock.

That's not love. That'south codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to impale yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. Information technology'south a course of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any relationship — one that, by definition, might one day end — is putting a lot of eggs in 1 basket. Sure, God may merely know what y'all'd be without her, but God probably also hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Yeah! Hell aye! What was her name again?" Photograph past Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.

One person cannot exist anyone'due south exist-all and end-all. It'south too stressful. And it prevents you from doing yous, which is a thing that'south gotta be done before y'all tin can practice anything else.

No wonder she took that task in Seattle.

ii. "Treasure," past Bruno Mars

Certain, it's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song you've always heard. Just, we don't accept Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts become, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Wait at that confront. That confront! Photo past Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here'due south why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what y'all are

Beloved, you're my aureate star

You know yous can brand my wish come true

If you allow me treasure you

If y'all let me treasure yous

Laissez passer those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an 8th-course brand-out party and yous'll likely get an instant toll pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Laissez passer them to your spouse and, chances are, engagement dark is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-yet-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a finish sign, and they volition call back you're weird — but probably even so make out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime laissez passer to make out with America because of this song.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photo by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'k OK with that.

Only, here's why "Treasure" isn't every bit romantic as information technology seems:

Everything virtually "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes about gender.

"Children, have I always told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the first time we met?" Photo past Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things start to get southward correct from the very beginning:

Give me your, give me your, give me your attending, baby

I gotta tell you a piddling something virtually yourself

Ah yes. Nothing screams "respect" quite like a man lecturing a strange woman on the street nigh something she "doesn't know about herself."

What could it exist? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she's got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction book near early mod German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thanks for instruction me all about Martin Luther's bible!" Photograph by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Alert: It's none of those.

Y'all're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady

Only yous walk around here like y'all wanna exist someone else

Oh. It'south that she's sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Discussion of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, it actually doesn't affect her twenty-four hour period-to-twenty-four hour period so much that yous, a complete stranger, demand to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

So what if she does want to exist someone else? I'd love to exist someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would be quite prissy. A good way to spend a 3-solar day weekend.

Sure, there'd be an adjustment period... Photo by Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images.

And and so later, of course, the narrator can't help himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be smiling

A girl like y'all should never look so blue.

He respects her and then much, he'due south actually straight-upwardly telling her to grin! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to become off on angrily exhorting girls to "hitting [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I guess everybody's got a thing.

Yeah, in the earth of "Treasure," a salubrious relationship is an unending stream of a human being complimenting a strange woman and said woman existence so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He and then proceeds to talk to his potential lover similar the world's creepiest pirate:

Yous are my treasure, y'all are my treasure

Yous are my treasure, yeah, you, y'all, you, you are

You lot are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, yous, you, y'all are

Past this point, in his mind, she's a literal thing. An object. Which is plumbing equipment.

I suppose it could exist worse, though. At least she's not only whatsoever matter.

GIF from "The Two Towers."

That'south ... something, right?

3. "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right," by Bob Dylan

For as long every bit humans accept been dating each other, humans accept been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Call up Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is skilful at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photograph by William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no employ to sit and wonder why, babe

Fifty-fifty yous don't know by at present

And information technology own't no employ to sit and wonder why, babe

It'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the interruption of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll be gone

You're the reason I'm a-traveling on

But don't think twice, it's all right.

Blast. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits state of affairs similar whoa.

"Don't Remember Twice" is a raw song. An honest vocal. A powerful song. It's the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months later her fellow left for college. The vocal that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her bank-teller job, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime store in Mendocino. The vocal your friend'due south cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high schoolhouse ring over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are you lot looking for?" Photo past Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Certain, it's about the cease of a relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the stop of the twenty-four hours, shouldn't that be plenty?

Here'south why it'southward actually sooooo messed upwards:

Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while in that location is no right way to call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties tin certainly benefit from a hard, honest give-and-take well-nigh what went incorrect.

It's not me, Joan. It'south you lot. 100% yous. Photograph by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Call back Twice," that discussion basically boils downwards to: "It's your fault."

Permit's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Remember Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, simply she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? Yous're all like, "Babe, I just have so much unspecified love to give," and she's similar, "Take out the trash!" And you're like, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my center be enough?" And she's similar, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole firm, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I demand you to practise is have out the trash." And you're like, "You're bumming me out. I'm gonna go play guitar." And then she gets all mad! What did you lot do? Why is she trying to change y'all? UGH!

Yous could accept done better, but I don't mind

Aye. You do listen! Y'all mind! You wrote a song about it, y'all passive-aggressive prick.

Yous just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your fourth dimension is so precious! Recall most all the hours you wasted plumbing the sea-deep, ecstatic mysteries of homo partnership when yous could have been futzing around with that home-brew kit.

Yes, this was worth it. Photo by Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The minute you first breaking it down, the message of "Don't Call back Twice" of a sudden starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister'southward ex-beau, who worked at the Bass Pro Store in town for a while and at present might be in jail. Like your aunt's wind chime shop, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend's cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying kid support.

"You lot kids desire a beer? No one'south nether 13, right?" Photo via iStock.

Oh yeah, and the song'southward narrator likewise point-blank refers woman he'south leaving as:

A child, I'm told

That'due south correct. In addition to existence a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he's likewise possibly a pedophile.

Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she's not actually a child — which there's no indication information technology is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking upwards with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the signal.

4. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song most hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photograph by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Eatables.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were still kind of new at the time it was written.

'Crusade I'yard leavin' on a jet plane

To a modern ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'm a scoooting abroad on my hoverboooooard," but in a manner that'southward somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by nine-year-olds at summertime camp. Non piece of cake to do!

Oh babe, I hate to go

Yous see — he hates to become! He but hates it! Nosotros know this, because he tells the states he hates it. And why would he hate to become if he didn't dear his partner merely that much?

Meet ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.

Why indeed?

Here'southward why information technology's actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world tin merely distract and so much from the fact that the song's main character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — information technology doesn't really seem like he hates being abroad all that much:

There'southward so many times I've let you down

So many times I've played around

I tell you at present, they don't hateful a thing

"Baby, I hope! All the movies I watched alone while you were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex activity I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Actually fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. Only rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty every bit this bed I just finished having sexual practice with someone else in." Photograph via iStock.

Yes, when y'all intermission it down, "Leaving on a Jet Plane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he'southward "good" despite all evidence to the opposite.

And for all he claims to be broken upward about having to part from his 1 and only, the dude seems pretty excited about the flight. Oh, you're leaving on a jet plane, are you? Are you Zone ane? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter almost the "terrible" Cibo express salad you were forced to asphyxiate downwardly as yous sabbatum waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life so difficult @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Eatables.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I go, I'll think of y'all

Ev'ry vocal I sing, I'll sing for you

Ah cool. He'll remember about her while strumming and making "my love is delicate every bit the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad educatee in the front end row. That pretty much makes upwards for it all.

Then he demands:

So kiss me and grin for me

Tell me that y'all'll wait for me

Later all the expose and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who can't be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to wait? To look for him?

And here's the kicker:

When I come back, I'll bring your nuptials ring

Ah yes. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he'due south cheated a billion times, drained the family bank account, and but been a full general screwup and thwarting.

Merely yeah. This time he says he'll bring dorsum a wedding ring.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks dorsum.

v. "When a Human being Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When you look upwards "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays yous a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Gene Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you lot the very beginning line.

Here's why it sound very romantic:

When a man loves a woman

Sure, yous can write the lyrics down, but information technology doesn't even come shut to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The succulent, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A MAN LOVES A Woman

Closer ... but still no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It's an elemental lyric.

It's a heart-shattering lyric.

Information technology's a lyric that demands you put your back into it.

Information technology's perfection.

As long equally yous don't keep listening.

Hither's why the song is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Woman," we know that, at least on occasion, a homo loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He'd surrender all his comforts

And sleep out in the rain

If she said that's the style

It ought to exist.

Whoa! OK. No. Back up. A human being, no affair how devoted, no matter how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man volition die of exposure and hypothermia.

Plough his back on his all-time friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A human can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A homo needs friends! Once a man's whole support system erodes out from under him, a man volition be bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a human's mental health volition deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin' to hold on to your heartless love

Infant, please don't treat me bad.

This is not what happens "when a human being loves a woman." It'southward what happens when a human being loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An calumniating woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.

"Information technology'due south Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not good for you.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for you.

(Side notation: Lest it become unsaid, there is mode more than one way for a man to love a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Maybe they sleep in carve up bedrooms. Perchance they dress upwards in big, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a man, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there'due south no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Diverseness is the spice of life. Necessity is the female parent of invention. There's more than i mode to peel a cat. A spoonful of carbohydrate helps the medicine get downward.

It doesn't matter if it's the right metaphor, as long as it's a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Betoken being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And delight, seek aid! You can practice this! And if y'all ever find yourself in a similar situation, delight give these people a call.

half dozen. "All I Wanna Practise is Make Love to Y'all," Eye

Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the most popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World's Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and information technology would brand me want to bawl my optics out in the arms of a tall, night stranger at the cease of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should always be listening to it. If you're not listening to it at present, smack yourself in the face and Google it. It's just that of import.

I am singing the phone book. You are weeping like a tiny babe. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

So much passion. So much pain. So much hair.

Hither's why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Eye sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson evangelize a fundamental tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared by every living existence on Earth: picking up an unnervingly bonny human for one nighttime of mind-blowing sex and then releasing him back into the wild to bone — merely never quite as compellingly ever again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Standing by the road, no umbrella, no glaze

Then I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a smile then we collection for a while

I don't have to go on considering yous know what happens next, and information technology'due south awesome.

"I just sit in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photograph by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

At present, here'southward why this song is not romantic at all:

The relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems also good to be true. And information technology is. Considering it'due south non an equally loving ,or even equally lusty, pairing at all.

It's a...

Information technology's a...

Well. You know what it is:

Proficient at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are bustling along but fine, like whatever wholesome, illicit, anonymous matter should:

I didn't ask him his name, this lonely male child in the rain

Fate, tell me it's correct, is this love at kickoff sight?

Sure, many of us might hesitate to choice upwardly a foreign leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, but our narrator just has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.

I can respect that.

Nosotros fabricated magic that night

He did everything right

Peachy! Seems similar it was a good conclusion. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off large time.

Just so, without alert, the song starts to audio less similar an all-fourth dimension great romance and more like a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape effectually a campfire:

I told him "I am the bloom, you are the seed

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't attempt to notice me, delight don't you cartel

Just live in my memory, you'll ever be in that location"

I'm not a poet. Symbolic language ofttimes eludes me. Just unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," all of a sudden hateful wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they take since sex was first invented in the early-1970s, we're talking about a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

Hi! Photograph by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of grade, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. Y'all might exist tempted to recall, "Maybe Eye meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant information technology:

And then information technology happened one day

We came round the same mode

You can imagine his surprise

When he saw his ain eyes

There are two possibilities hither.

One: The narrator of the vocal is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York Urban center subway ad from 9 years ago:

Photo by eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally bamboozled a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, "Please, please understand

Ah, certain. Yeah. No worries.

I'm in beloved with another man

Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no fashion the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not ane only two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the one little thing that you lot can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT Human LIFE THAT IS Non INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The all-time you can say about that is that it's not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should have been responsible for his own birth control. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .

Simply ... it's not cute. It's not romantic (fifty-fifty the Wilson sisters themselves agree).

And at the stop of the day, the shadiest character in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.

Which... is proverb something.

But there is a dearest song that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a bounding main of problematic faves.

A song that does everything right.

A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership congenital to concluding.

A song that can double as a manual for the ideal human romantic human relationship.

And that song is...

"Candy Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Hither's why yous might be — OK, almost definitely are — skeptical:

l Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photograph past Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As catchy every bit "Candy Shop" is, as fun it is to trip the light fantastic toe to, and every bit cathartic as information technology can exist to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.m., at that place'due south no getting effectually the fact that the vocal begins like this:

I'll take y'all to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

I'll post that again, in instance y'all missed some of the nuance:

I'll take you lot to the processed shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

Way to have one for the team, narrator of "Candy Shop"!

At first glance, "Candy Store" is nobody's idea of a classic love song.

The lyrics are ... unusually frontwards. The beat is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily past in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, information technology feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Burn" on your new Xbox 360.

It'southward not a vocal y'all'd put on a mixtape for your shell. Information technology'south non a song you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at habitation with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear upward the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It's certainly not a song you'd include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents' silver anniversary.

It's just not.

But it should be.

So here it is. Here's why "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:

Y'all wanna dorsum that thing up or should I push button up on it? Photograph by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The vocalizer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. Information technology'due south simply been xx seconds, and you're already getting set to hang information technology upwards with "Candy Store."

But then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the form of a female person voice joining the track, cutting through the din like a blaring call.

She sings:

I'll take you to the candy shop (yeah)

Male child, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have you spendin' all you got (come on)

Keep going 'til you striking the spot, whoa

Information technology'south mutual! It's mutual! They're performing oral sex on each other!

Band the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Become, cunnilingus doves, go! Photograph by liz west/Flickr.

fifty Cent himself may not be the world's greatest partner — for case, according to one of his exes, he's washed some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Candy Shop"? He gets it:

You could have information technology your way, how do yous want it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'm going to invest my unabridged sense of cocky-worth in yous!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to treat you like a chest total of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Practice is Make Beloved to You," ("I'm going to fox yous into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Shop" guy really asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is good for about l,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

It's any you lot're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I ain't finished instruction you 'tour how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... assertive well-nigh his desires.

Only here'south the primal thing: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She's clearly into information technology. And we know this because she says and then.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are bright red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky lodge floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Daughter what we do ...

And where we do ...

The things we do ...

Are just between me and you

No matter how nasty they freak, it will exist intimate. Information technology will exist private. At that place volition be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you lot exist a nympho, I'll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is primal to the survival of whatsoever relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very maybe in the case of "Candy Shop") minutes long.

She may have a high sexual practice drive, but dude is graciously offer to suit her. What a admirer! These crazy kids simply might go the distance after all.

And at the end of the day, what is a human relationship but two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Cheers, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.

It's like it's a race who could go undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a neat time. And, critically, an equally dandy time.

I bear on the correct spot at the right fourth dimension

Of form, information technology wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random humbug, merely if we're to take him at his word, "Candy Shop" guy is at least every bit expert at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Practise is Make Dearest to Y'all" — except without all the creepy surprise infant nonsense.

The "Candy Store" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering honey god. He'south a skilful partner.

"Processed Shop" is raunchy. It'southward dirty. It'south not your grandmother's love song.

Merely when yous strip away the swagger, the back beat, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Center Eastern Music 1993," past the terminate of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the 24-hour interval, isn't that what a healthy relationship is all about?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Photo by Francois Durand/Getty Images.

So seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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